Reconnecting Through Pickleball: Charlotte and Neil's Story

GET YOUR FREE TOP 10 TIPS HERE... https://preview.mailerlite.io/preview/1278466/sites/143545577841362359/Top-10-Tips-Partner-Pickleball

In Episode 2 of the Pickleball and Partnership Podcast, Charlotte and her husband Neil reflect on how the sport of Pickleball has helped them reconnect and strengthen their 27-year marriage after enduring a stressful long-distance period in their marriage and other various challenges. They discuss how learning and playing Pickleball has improved their communication, trust, and teamwork both on and off the court. Key topics include overcoming initial hesitations, the importance of encouragement over criticism, the benefits of defined but flexible roles, and applying lessons from Pickleball to daily life. The episode highlights the transformative power of shared activities in fostering deeper connections.

00:00 Introduction to Pickleball and Partnership

00:55 Strengthening Relationships Through Pickleball

02:06 Neil's Perspective on Pickleball

02:25 Early Pickleball Experiences

05:42 Challenges and Long-Distance Relationship

09:23 Learning Teamwork and Trust

12:36 Communication and Encouragement

16:16 Applying Pickleball Lessons to Life

23:37 Celebrating Wins and Community

27:49 Conclusion and Key Takeaways

Pickleball & Partnership Facebook Page
Please jump on over and say "Hi" - we would love to hear from you...

https://www.facebook.com/conejukes

https://www.facebook.com/groups/848118700833703

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/pickleball-partnership/id1775742795

Pickleball & Partnership Email cejukes@gmail.com

Get your FREE Top 10 Tips for Playing Pickleball with Your Partner subscribepage.io/Top-10-Tips-Partner-Pickleball

Music: Purple Planet Music
Thanks to Purple Planet Music for Pickleball & Partnership Intro and Outro music Purple Planet Music is a collection of music written and performed by Chris Martyn and Geoff Harvey.

Transcript

0:10

This is the Pickleball and Partnership Podcast, the place to talk about building better connections with your partner, learning how to communicate with each other, and how to inject fun into your relationship all through the game of pickleball. If that sounds like your cup of tea, pull up a chair, grab your paddle, and join me, your host, Charlotte Jukes for pickleball and partnership. Welcome to this week's episode of the Pickleball and Partnership podcast. Welcome to episode two. Thank you for joining me. I'm really excited to be here again. I wanted to continue On from last week's episode and just chat more about how playing pickleball has strengthened my relationship with Neil. So Neil and I have known each other for over 30 years. We've actually been married for 27 or we're coming up to 28 years, in a couple of months. And I wanted to. share more of the journey of how we discovered pickleball, how I overcame my initial hesitation of playing the sport, and how it actually became a pivotal um, Activity that helped Neil and I to reconnect how it really helped strengthen our marriage, our relationship. So I want to dive into some of the challenges that we encountered of a period of time where we endured a long distance relationship, where we struggled to define individual roles and how pickleball actually required us to communicate and trust each other effectively. So this week I am joined by my husband, Neil. So welcome, Neil. Hey. How you doing? I'm good. How are you? Yeah, good. So tell our listeners why you came up with this crazy idea of wanting us to learn Pickleball. Okay. Thanks Charlotte. it's a good question and I don't really have a great answer. Why did I want to do it? Why did I want to do it? You saw it in Arizona. And it looked goofy enough to be fun. from a tennis badminton and ping pong background, uh, lots of racket sports in my past. I think it kind of led me to think that doing something in racket sports again would be a good move for us. Uh, we just renovated a house together and I thought one way that we could do more things together was maybe head down this pickleball path. I'd seen it played down in Arizona and thought it was goofy enough that we could get into it. For years we would watch them and not even really know what they were playing. Right, right. And you said it was too old and slow for you. Yeah. So anyway, I convinced you in the end to go and take a couple of courses. Uh, the people in Arizona seemed like they had a lot of fun goofing around and ended up in the pub after, which seemed like something I could get down with. Mm-Hmm. So, Yeah, we headed down that road of Pickleball. I remember when we first met, we met in the June and that new year, we went away to Bournemouth. Do you remember? We were living in England at the time. And we went to, to Bournemouth for some reason, I can't even remember. And, ended up staying in this hotel and there was a ping pong table tennis table in the basement. And I remember playing hours of table tennis. Yeah. Yeah. I remember that. Those good times. Yeah. We had, we, we played ping pong a lot. I suppose pickleball is like ping pong really. It's just supersized ping pong. That's exactly what it is. Yeah. and you, you tried to get me into golf. I remember, in fact, it's a funny story because it was my 40th birthday and you were so excited. And you said, come with me, I've got your present. And you led me towards the garage door. And I'm like, Oh my gosh, he's bought me a car. I'm having a sports car and you open the door to the garage and there were these set of golf clubs and I was like, Oh crap. You're welcome. Yeah. And I never really, I've not really got into golf, but you went to play golf by yourself. But pickleball. Was something you wanted both of us to play, right? Yeah. Yeah. Golf's my thing, but pickleball is our thing. Yeah. I was quite insistent that we take lessons to start with. I thought if we're going to play this game, we need to know, I needed to know how to play the game properly. I wanted to know the rules. And anyway, so I had signed us up in our community at the local tennis courts. I signed us up for, a series of six lessons. And that's where we learned. do you remember that first lesson? You don't, not really. I remember showing up and they gave us a couple of goofy paddles that were like kids toys. That was pretty much all I remember and I'm feeling pretty uncomfortable. That was about it. Yeah. And the ball was like plastic. Yeah. The plastic hole, whiffle ball, kind of goofy. I actually thought that was the practice ball. I didn't know that was the real ball. Right. but I think it, it came at a good time in our lives really, because like you say, and I think I'd mentioned last week that we had just completed this huge renovation and we had sold that house and we were actually living in a rental at the time. But I think just to sort of give some context, prior to doing that, huge renovation, which honestly, to this day, I don't know how we managed to get through that together. But anyway, that's another story prior to that. You'd actually been working out of town for 10 years. And, um, I was left at home. And the children were small. They were, you know, our youngest was five and the girls were seven and nine or eight and 10, something like that. And, it was only going to be for a year or two anyway, that turned into 10 years, but I remember being so busy with everything. Um, you would go away for sort of three weeks at a time. And I was looking after these three young children. I was working part time as a, as a nurse, but it was evenings. So I could look after the children during the day. And then I had to find a babysitter for the evening time, which was really tough. I was, looking after the house, cooking all the meals, cleaning, driving them around. And. Of course, we'd moved to Canada in 2000, and we had no family here. So it wasn't even as though, I had any help with that. And I think that was a really difficult time in our lives. My mom and dad had passed away. They weren't available anyway. and I think, you know, when I look back to growing up as well, it was definitely a weakness if you asked for help, you know, I was definitely taught that you just got on with things. You did it all yourself. And I, I think, that was a hard time for me because I was doing everything. And then you would come home, on your leave, on your days off, and we really weren't jibing. Right. It's tough. Distance relationships are tough. So we had to try and find something to pull us back together in some way. And this was, uh, this was the first thing that had really come up to make that happen. so I thought we'd kind of go for it and do what we could to make it, make a go of it and pull ourself a relationship out of what we got left and, and it worked. Yeah, it seemed to work. You make it sound like we were hanging on by a thread. Well, that's pretty much how it was. Yeah. Well, I think. I think it was definitely a way to bring us back together, but I don't think either of us realized how far apart we'd grown. But looking back now, we definitely, we'd found our own individual roles separately from each other. And I think we both found it very difficult to ask for help. Yeah. And it was tough for me to get back into, back into the home as well and take the role again, the role that I left. For me, it was really tough to be able to find a lead role again. And I felt like I was just, in the way. That's what I felt. I was in the way when I was back. So this was a way back into the home and, uh, to kind of at least put herself on a, on a level playing field rather than just being the out of town guy that came back. Yeah, a way to reconnect again. Yeah. So I think I remember, and it certainly still happens now, but definitely more so when we first got on the court together, we were playing our own game. Right? I remember thinking, Oh my gosh, if you would just get out of the way, I could, I could take the shot. Right. There was no trust. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You were playing your game. I was playing my game. Obviously mine was better. Obviously. But here's the game of pickleball where you absolutely have to, you have to work together. Yeah. You have to move together. Right. you have to, you know, we're learning to stand that same, what is it they, they say like that noodle length apart to stand that, that distance apart. And then, so when one goes right, the other goes right. When one goes left, the other goes left. To dance. You'd have to do the dance. Right. Yeah. And we weren't very good at that. Were we? No, you weren't. Luckily I pulled us together. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. On the court and at home. I think, you know, we, we were just so used to, to doing our own thing and relying on ourselves and not being able to ask the other one for help. Because I think for me, it was very much like, if I don't prove to you that I've been managing this by myself, then I'm not the person that you married. Right. Or I'm not a good enough person to, to be in this marriage. So. You know, you deal with what life gives you, you play with the cards that you're dealt. So you going away and working out of town and there were benefits to that for sure. The money was good. Right. but I definitely felt like I had something to prove to you when you came back, that look, I'm managing this, I'm pulling through, I'm managing the kids, I'm managing the house, I'm managing my job. And it was exhausting. Oh my gosh, for both of us, right? Yeah. I'm glad we did it, but I'm glad it's gone. You know, I'm glad that page has turned now. Yeah. And I don't think we realized. that as much as when we got on the court and realized that we were playing our individual game. And at some point we realized this and I think you got frustrated with me. Yeah. Jumping in and I do like to poach. Yeah. Right, but we realized that actually if we work together as a team and relied on each other. Yeah. We were pretty successful. Yeah. We could be really successful. So I'm thinking of that tournament actually early on last year. It was coming into the outdoor season. So it must've been like the end of April, 2024. It was that first outdoor tournament of the year. And, I know this will come up again because I know we're going to talk about communication a lot, but that particular day was so windy. Do you remember that? Yeah. yeah. Willow Ridge. Yeah. The members, we had to stick together. We had to rely on each other. Yeah. I get it. I remember the wind and we talk constantly saying the winds from the left or the winds from the right, depending on how the wind was changing. And uh, it put us in a place that, uh, I think we won it. Did we win it? No, we silver. How did we get silver? I think we got silver. Yeah. But we did really well against a pretty good, a pretty good lineup. Hmm. And it was because we were talking and it was because we were moving together and we were so aware of what the other person was doing. Yeah. Um, we really were, we were trusting each other. Really on a different level, weren't we? And relying on each other, a lot more communication. And it helped in a massive way. Yeah. It makes me think of, we've played opponents as well. We've played, very strong opponents who, you know, whether it's. Friendly games, you know, I say friendly in adverted commas or whether it's tournaments, but we've played very strong opponents who look for that weaker player. And I think, as a woman, I've definitely felt this, that immediately some opponents will look at the female on the team, they'll look at me, and assume that I am the weaker player, and that you are the stronger player. Because you look stronger, you are taller, you are more muscular, you look like the stronger player.

Charlotte J: 14:26

And for that reason, every shot will be directed at me. I definitely feel picked on by the opponents. And I think there was a lot of learning there for me as well, because I used to get super frustrated and, and I know I lost my shit a few times. And it really took. for me to one, be aware of that. And then secondly, ask for help, right? I mean, that's what we're talking about here is asking for help and that it's not, it's not weakness. It's okay. So I really had to talk to myself and say, Okay, if we're going to get through this, it's no good. If they're going to keep firing every shot at me, there's no way I can keep this up. And so I had to relax and, ask you for help and trust you and say, Hey, will you take over three quarters of the court or will you switch sides with me? or maybe it was a case of, you know, if they started lobbying. I'd say you're going to have to run back for the loss. Yeah, give you a chance to take a breather, right? Yeah, I'll get it. Yeah. And then for me to, to stay in my zone, which I know I'm not very good at sometimes, because I do like to poach. Take, take time out. That's one of the things that we did. That's the first time we ever took a tournament and we didn't know there was timeouts. The first time that we ever took a timeout was that tournament. And that kind of changed our mentality. Yeah. we started to lose and we took a timeout and we came back from it because we just took a time to a couple of seconds to focus. Yeah, actually, you know what, that makes me think of something that we started to do at home as well. Because I know when we get into that sort of cycle of blaming or, thinking that the other person doesn't have our back, is just to take, take that time out or, have, something like a strategy huddle and say, okay, let's just step away and breathe and reset. Yeah. Right. So, I mean, I think that's helped us a lot too at home. Yeah. If you start to think that, uh, somebody is working in your best interest rather than out of malice, then the whole mentality changes. And if you know, you're working in the same direction, it's so easy to recover from it. Yeah. If you know that you have a shared end goal, right? Yeah. another thing we started doing, was calling out, like, you know, like you said earlier, communicating on the court, but just calling out the shots, if you could see them coming, you know, mine, yours, leave it, leave it. It's out. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. And seeing that that was, that's a very positive thing. It's not, you know, it's not a criticism. There's no need to get defensive about it. Right. I think the trust comes back because pickleball is such a fast moving game. Once, uh, once the rallies start that you don't have time to think you have to react. And if somebody calls something like an out or a leave or a mine or whatever it is. You have to go with it. You have to have full trust. And I think that's why it's helped us so much. Yeah, absolutely. Cause I mean, that's, that's what it's like at home too, right? Sometimes, especially, you know, evenings after work. And the children are grown up now, they're adults, but still. Semi adults. But still, you know, I mean, it's busy and when they're all at home and especially weekends are busy and a lot's going on and I think, you know, you and I are a lot better at making that eye contact, looking at each other across the room and signaling each other, Hey, timeout and taking a reset and just re evaluating everything that's going on. Yeah. A twitch of an eyebrow is all it takes sometimes. Stops us going down that, that rabbit hole, right. Of, defensiveness or feeling like, you know, I've got to do it all again, Yeah, we are a team and we can rely on each other. was going to say encouragement as well. That's one of the bigger ones. Um, just letting each other know that you've got each other's back, whether it was good or it was bad, encouragement wins every time. Yeah, definitely. I know when I felt criticized on the court, I don't play well after that, but even if I've missed a shot, you know, you're really good at saying, good try or, oh my gosh, I thought that was going out or, It's okay. Reset. We've got the next one, and just having those words of encouragement is huge, isn't it? Yeah. Keep it fun. I think that's the big one. Keep it fun. Keep it light. It's just pick a ball. There's another game. You know, just like life really the day tomorrow, nothing you can do. You just got to get through this one. Don't look back. Just keep looking forward. Yeah. It's hard though, because I think we're both competitive and I think, that has definitely shown itself in our relationship too. Yeah. Yeah. I respond really well to positive encouragement. I know that about myself. Um, and probably looking back, that wasn't something that I was able to, to share as much in our relationship. And I think, we become the parents that, you know, our parents have modeled for us. And I definitely didn't get the encouragement I needed growing up. So. As crazy as that sounds, it was hard for me to be that encouraging on the court. But when I received it and was able to receive it from you and other people I've played with some amazing women. and I think when we're all encouraging each other, it definitely makes it all a bit more exciting and a bit more positive. You walk away from a court thinking it was a good experience than an ordeal. Even if you lose, it can be good. Yeah. So just thinking about, all, those things that we learned about, teamwork and, and playing together and, playing pickleball together on the court. I think just to sort of summarize some of that into our relationship and into home life, we. We work so much better together when we are able to define our individual roles. So the same as, as playing together on the court, if each one of us knows, okay, my job is to Cook dinner or whatever it is, and your job is to maintain the vehicles maybe or something like that. But to have very clear defined roles on and off the court, and I'm thinking more so at home now really does help. But on top of that is not only having those clearly defined roles, but having some flexibility with those roles as well. So, you know, if I say, Oh, I've cooked dinner five times this week. I'd like a break tomorrow. it's your turn to cook to be able to. Right. And you can change the oil on the car. No problem. I can take it to a man who knows how to do that. Absolutely. Yeah. And then the, the timeouts that we were talking about on the court, having that time out at home to just allow the, the tension to subside, just to be able to take a pause and take some breaths. And reset. I mean, gosh, how many times do, do we have to reset on the court? Constant. Yeah. Every point. Every point. Focus. Yeah. Right. Cause otherwise you just get in your head and. And it's very hard. It's hard for me to get out of my head once I'm in it. So I think it's taught me quite a few things about self control as well. playing pickleball, just when you get beaten or you're in the process of being beaten or you're losing a point that You didn't think you should have to reset without becoming upset. That's tough, but man, I've learned a lot of that since we've been in this. Yeah. And then just encouraging each other at home. Right. It's, it's that. A silly little thing, like folding the laundry and putting it away a thank you, or, uh, you know, you did a great job go such a long way. You know, part of it as well is the community, the pickable community, everybody's like minded and everybody enjoys it. You know, there's nobody goes there, trying to make somebody else's life miserable, that everybody does it for, to keep themselves happy, sociable, and it's a generally good feeling. Mm hmm yeah. And I think it's really important to, as well as the, the words of encouragement is to celebrate each other's wins as well. You know, it's life is tough sometimes and you leave the house in the morning and go to work and, it's not always easy. And I think being able to celebrate. Our own wins, but each other's as well, yeah. I mean, you get the kids getting through different years at university or getting through different courses or, you know, buying a new car or just becoming aware of something else or a new job, or there's lots of wins, there's lots of small wins. And I think it makes you. Understand that those things are the big things in life. All these small things are big things. And, um, yeah, you've got to take the time to make sure that the kids feel like they've been noticed. Acknowledged. Yeah. So it's taking the time to make the kids feel like they've been acknowledged for their efforts and their dedication and the hard work they've put in. So I've learned a lot of that from pickleball as well. I mean, we all do these things. We all do these fantastic things in life. But to, uh, to actually take the time to,, make the kids feel special because of that is, I think it's come from Pickleball more than anywhere else. Yeah I think another big thing, that I, I perhaps became more aware of on the Pickleball court was each other's body language. especially when you're in the middle of a game, you can see when your partner is feeling a bit deflated, maybe, for whatever reason, if you've hit the net a couple of times for a couple of shots and I can see that you're getting frustrated, you're not verbalizing that to me. but definitely, I can see your body language that you're feeling a bit defeated. And I think that's especially. Uh, an important time to step in and offer some encouragement or perhaps, take a time out and reset. But I think at home as well, just being aware, being more, I know it's a buzzword right now, but being more mindful of, how you are when you walk in the door from work, and just being aware. Being cognizant of whether, you know, it appears you've had a good day or perhaps, you've had a long frustrating day, or if you didn't sleep the night before, you're definitely tired. And I think just being mindful of that, not only helps us in our play on the court, But that definitely helps at home because you know, then to give the other person a little bit more leeway, right? A little bit more space. Or not. Or not. Or the opposite. Or the opposite. Yeah. Maybe you need me to move closer, and not move away. I suppose the big one really for us is we've tried to make it fun. Whether we are in a great place with each other when we go to Pickleball or we are not in a great place, we might not be as, as good as it looks when we walk onto that court, but it's basically, we say showtime. And it is what it is. We just deal with it. We move forward. And when we come off the court, it's usually a hug and we move forward and we go again. It's a pretty good reset for us. It's, it's quite fun. Actually. I do enjoy the drives home. I mean, like you say, sometimes the drive there is a little tense for whatever reason, but afterwards we've always got so much to say, haven't we? About the games or the points or. Win or lose. It's always a win. Yeah. And I think we've brought that back into our relationship too. We're finding, more fun doing other things together. we regularly walk the dog together. there's so many other things that, we can do together cooking together, that regular date night. I mean, I even golf together now and again, we do, we do golf together now and again. And I am finding more fun in it, but especially when we go with another couple, but yeah, it's all about fun. yeah. We've done most of the work now. Let's keep it fun. definitely pickleball has helped us with that.

27:50

Thank you for listening to episode one of the Pickleball and Partnership podcast. Here are the key points and takeaways from today's episode. 1. Shared activities foster connection. Learning Pickleball became a fun and meaningful way for us to spend time together, helping us to rediscover our partnership after years of navigating separate roles in our marriage..Teamwork is a game changer. Success on the Pickleball Court requires clear communication, trust, and mutual reliance. Skills that translate into better collaboration and understanding at home. 3. Overcoming challenges together. From navigating windy tournaments to facing frustrations when targeted as the weaker player, we have learned to support and encourage one another, building resilience and adaptability. Lessons beyond the court. Concepts like calling timeouts, defining roles, and staying flexible with responsibilities have helped us to improve our relationship dynamics and our daily life at home. Encouragement over criticism. Encouragement is my superpower. Positive reinforcement during play boosted both of our confidence and our performance and reminded us to focus on celebrating effort rather than dwelling on mistakes. Thanks so much for. Listening today. I hope you enjoyed that conversation as much. As I did. Anything mentioned, including links. Uh, notes and a full episode list will be over on our website. At synergy health.org forward slash podcast. In the podcast section. If you got something. Out of this episode, be sure to follow or subscribe. To pickleball and partnership. On apple podcasts. It's. Spotify or wherever you listen, so that you're notified. of new and upcoming episodes. And if you're fine. Finding value in this podcast, a cost-free way to. To support us is to leave a five star review. It truly. He means the world to us. This will help more people access. Access these real conversations. If you really got. Something out of it. Take a screenshot of this episode on your phone. And share it on social media tag me at. At Charlotte Jukes and I will absolutely reshare your post. If you haven't connected with me personally, I would love. To meet you and say, hi. Thanks again for listening. I remember, we're all learning, growing and showing. Up in our own ways. And that's what matters most.