Don't Put Me On Your To Do List

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Don't Add Me to Your To-Do List: The Power of Authentic Connection

In this episode of the Pickleball and Partnership Podcast, host Charlotte Jukes reflects on the importance of authentic connections and shares her journey of attending a transformative retreat in Los Angeles. She discusses overcoming imposter syndrome, learning about human design, and developing meaningful relationships. Charlotte introduces a new practice called 'Closet Conversations' with her husband and emphasizes the need for real, deep connections over superficial interactions. The episode underscores how pickleball has fostered strong bonds for Charlotte and provides listeners with insights into creating and nurturing genuine relationships.

00:00 Introduction to Pickleball and Partnership

00:44 The Inspiration Behind Today's Topic

01:53 Attending the Bloom Retreat

02:41 Facing Self-Doubt and Overcoming It

08:06 The Concept of Closet Conversations

09:23 Experiencing Deep Connections at the Retreat

11:53 Understanding Human Design

19:24 The Importance of Authentic Connections

20:21 Pickleball as a Medium for Connection

29:11 Final Thoughts and Reflections

32:59 Conclusion and Call to Action

Link to "It's Not About The Nail" 
https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg

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Music: Purple Planet Music
Thanks to Purple Planet Music for Pickleball & Partnership Intro and Outro music Purple Planet Music is a collection of music written and performed by Chris Martyn and Geoff Harvey.

Transcript

Charlotte Jukes: 0:10

This the pickleball and partnership podcast, the place to talk. Talk about building better connections with your partner. Learning how to communicate with each other and how to inject fun. Into your relationship all through the game of pickleball. If that sounds like your cup of tea. Pull up a chair grab your paddle and join me. Your host, Charlotte Jukes. For pickleball and partnership.

Speaker 2: 0:44

Welcome to another episode of the Pickleball and Partnership Podcast. This. Topic that I want to talk about today came to me by a series of events that happened to me, and it wasn't until I had the opportunity to sit down and reflect, and I was actually on the phone with one of my good friends that it suddenly all fell into place and I realized that I just had to record an episode for you. On the Pickleball and Partnership podcast entitled, don't Add Me to Your To-Do List, and it's all about authentic connection and how important that is for me and how I really, truly believe it's important for all of us. But let me go back to where this. Started for me, really, which was only last week. Don't worry, I'm not going back years and years. It's not another one of my crazy long, oh, back to the age of 10, but I might do that again, so hold on to your seats. Anyway, last week I had the opportunity to attend the most beautiful retreat I flew down to Los Angeles. I attended quite an intimate bloom retreat for women. I mean, I think it was for men too, but there were just women who attended this retreat. it was put on by Cathy Heller, who is an amazing mentor for me, an amazing teacher. if you haven't read her book, please Do Abundant Ever After. It's absolutely phenomenal. Anyway. I had the opportunity to attend her Bloom retreat in Los Angeles, and I have to be honest, it took a lot for me to get there. And I don't know whether any of you have been in a similar situation where you have really, really wanted to do something and it feels so aligned to your soul, to the very core of you who you are, who you want to be, but the mind talks you out of it. And this seems to be happening to me quite a bit or. I'm becoming more aware of it happening. I think it always has happened when I look back over the years, but now I have become more aware of that voice. I've become more aware of my thoughts. I've become more aware of the stories that my thoughts are telling me, and those thoughts transpose into feelings and those feelings transpose into behaviors and those behaviors that I was. Exhibiting are the ones that were keeping me small. They were the ones that were holding me back. So here I am having planned to go to this retreat. I've booked my flights, I've booked the hotel. I've told everyone I'm coming. I'm actually going there in an assisting capacity also. Helping Cathy and her team out. So there's that added responsibility. And my mind is screaming at me. No, don't go. You can't do it. Who are you to think that you can fly to the us? Fly to a different country, attend a treat with people that you don't know, interact with these women who you know. You can see where the story's going. Interact with these amazing women who have done amazing things in their lives, and real imposter syndrome came into my mind. And it culminated on, I think, the day before I was due to fly and I had a huge meltdown. I'm, I was going to say, embarrassed to say, but I'm not, because I think, I can't be the only person that has huge meltdowns. I can't be because I'm human. If nobody has had a meltdown, please reach out to me because I would love to connect with you. But anyway, I had a huge meltdown. The things that came into my mind, the doubt that crept in the stories that I was telling myself, that negative feedback loop was just overwhelming. And I've been doing the work, I coach people and I am coached myself. To support myself and work through my shit. I have been really doing the work to uncover these blocks that I have, the limiting beliefs that I'm holding onto so that I could move on. But here I am, the day before, just over 24 hours before I'm due to. Fly to this retreat and I just had a huge, huge breakdown and it started from something small and insignificant, which is where I think most things. it's the straw that breaks the camel's back so they say. all this this negative energy builds up inside of us and eventually it's that one little thing, that one little thing that somebody says to you or that one little action that happens or a response and. Hence the huge breakdown. So here I am, I find myself in my closet on the floor in tears, wondering how on earth I am going to move forward from this. How on earth I am going to save face and not go to this retreat. But everyone else is okay about that. And I'm talking about the people that I feel I'm letting down by not going anyway, my wonderful husband. A poor guy, honestly, had no clue what was going on. Of course, thought it was about one thing. I dunno whether you've ever seen, a conversation between, a man and a woman. Partners Maybe they're married, I'm not sure. anyway, they're having a conversation and she's trying to talk about an in-depth, concern that she has, and I think it's the woman has a nail sticking out of her her forehead and. Anyway, the guy is focusing on the nail and she keeps saying it's not about the nail, and she's trying to get to the depth of what's going on for her, and all the man can see is this nail sticking out from her head and he wants to fix it. And he can't believe that that's not what she's talking about. And all she's saying it's not about the nail. It's humorous, but it really hits home. So here I am having this meltdown, and poor Neil is beside himself because he does not know how to fix this because he doesn't even know what the flipping problem is. And I, on some level, can't even vocalize what the problem is. Although deep down, I know. So here we are sitting on the floor of our closet and it actually turned into this most amazing conversation and. We have now brought, even from last week, we have brought this new practice into our relationship, and it's called Closet Conversations, where we literally sit on the floor of the closet. There are no phones, there are no distractions. We lock the door. Kids can't come in and. We sit there in this small closet facing each other, having real heart to heart conversations. It's truly amazing. So out of this craziness came this amazing new strategy that we have developed called Closet Conversations. maybe that's another podcast episode. Anyway, I digress. So I talk it through, I talk through what's coming up for me. I talk about my imposter syndrome. I talk about not being able to. Believe in myself and to get myself to this retreat anyway, with all the tools that I have learnt and been practicing and using, for myself and for my clients. I work my way through it. And I go to this most amazing retreat, and of course, oh my goodness, it's phenomenal. I meet the most amazing people. I have the most amazing experiences. I connect with these. Beautiful souls on such a deep level. And instead of, I dunno whether you've ever felt this, where you've gone out into a, a group of people, and it may be the group, it may be just one person in particular, but you feel absolutely drained. Your energy is just zapped from you and you come home, you retreat. I know this is real for me. Then I love the time at home on my own, recharging my batteries. But this retreat wasn't like that. The energy was so nourishing. It was absolutely amazing. I think everybody should attend one of these retreats if possible. And I grew so much as a person and then. The events of the weekend before and the meltdown in my closet appeared in my mind as being silly, but also as a real lesson there to not let the mind take over and really connect to, that core of who you really are and who you were sent here onto this earth to be. so I throw myself into these amazing connections, deep connections with these beautiful women. And we have some incredible conversations and we sit there every morning having breakfast, having conversations, and really getting to know each other and really pouring our hearts out. And, we're in sessions during the retreat and then We come back together again for lunch and again, going out for dinners. just the most amazing experience. I got so much from it. But what became very clear to me, was that I crave these deep connections on so much more of a deeper level than I feel that I have in my everyday life. And I do have those connections. But I'm not watering them and nurturing them and growing them as I should, and in return, I'm not feeling that from other people. So one of the sessions that we were introduced to on this retreat was something called human design, and I had come across this before and was intrigued by it. But also felt like maybe it was a little bit woo woo, a little bit out there, maybe along the lines of astrology, and I wasn't sure that I really believed in Okay, everybody that's born within this certain timeframe is all the same. And, I went in with an open mind and. The lovely lady who held the session for us, Alexandra Cole, I had been introduced to her before, and so I knew that in human design I am a manifesting generator and I didn't really know what that meant. One thing I had taken from it before was that I'm like a honeybee and I like to have lots of different things on the go. And imagine a honeybee going from buzzing around, flying from one flower to the next, to the next, to the next. Pollinating here, pollinating the next flower, pollinating the next flower, going back to the first one. And that's me. And that really resonated with me. So I thought, hmm, maybe there is something to this human design. And so, alexandra Cole gave us some more information about the different types within human design. I think there's manifesting generator, there's manifesters, there's generators, there's projectors, and there's reflectors and so she gave us more information. She divided us. Into our separate groups and we went and stood in different corners of the room. And when I looked around to see who was in my group of manifesting generators, I was like, of course, they were all the people that I had been attracted to on the first couple of days of the retreat. They were all the people that had the same energy as me and that I naturally migrated towards and had. Started to form these amazing connections with, so I was like, yeah. Okay. I can see there is something in this human design. And so, I listened in more attentively and we did some more work into it. And, what came out from that session was that there are these, I won't go into details about it if you want to find out. More about human design. You can obviously, but there are certain lines that you take on or that are part of you. And my lines are four, one, so predominantly four and also a one. And I have to be honest, I can't remember what the one represented because we focused on the four and we dove deeper into, the concept of human design and me as a manifesting generator with a dominant line of four, it's a way of subdividing the group of manifesting generators. It honestly explains so much about how I move through the world. So manifesting generators are known for being. Energetic, multi-passionate, fast moving. we light up when we are doing things that align with us and, and also we fizzle out fast when we are in environments or relationships that feel forced or shallow, which absolutely 100% made sense to me. And then looking at that line four. That's where things get really real because line four is all about relationships, networks, community. Not just in knowing a lot of people way, but in being deeply connected kind of way. I don't want to just know people. I want to know what makes them tick. I want to see their heart. I want to feel safe enough to show mine which so resonated with me. I've spent some time in my life craving connection, not understanding why I didn't feel connected to people, and then thinking or believing, well, maybe I'm not destined to connect with people. Maybe I'm actually destined to be more of a lone bird, and I am happy at home on my own hiding, but when this was revealed to me, it made a hundred percent sense. In that the connections were not real. They were not authentic. And I can think of moments in my life where I stayed in friendships or, or even collaborations, way past their expiration date just because of the depth that used to be there. And I'd hold on hoping that that connection would come back, but the truth is. You know, I really believe this. My energy knows it, knows what it needs. My body knows all of our bodies know what they need. Our bodies are incredible. They heal themselves. They know what they need. And when we are not aligned, when the body is not aligned, when our energy is not aligned, we are not aligned. Full stop that's it. And as a line four, that disconnection feels like grief. It really, really does. We live in this bizarre paradox where we are more connected to each other than ever, by social media. Technology has connected us in ways that we would never have imagined previously. I would never have imagined growing up, and yet I really feel like people are lonelier. They're more anxious, they're more isolated. We follow people. We like people, we scroll endlessly, but we don't see each other. I read somewhere recently that loneliness has the same impact on our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Wow. Let that sink in. We need connection, not just emotionally, but physically, spiritually, energetically. And it's not, for me, it's not about quantity, it's about quality. I remember a season in my life where I was surrounded by people. I was immersed in my work. I was engaged in work events, community gatherings, going out social events, seeing different people every weekend, going out after work in the evening, going away with people. But I felt completely unseen, like I was showing up for everyone else, but not really being known by anyone. And going on that retreat last week and experiencing those deep connections, those true, authentic connections with people really woke me up to the truth that Surface connection doesn't sustain us. It doesn't sustain me, and I think that's why I love pickleball so much. I think that's why I have grown so much as a person playing pickleball because it seems to me that. There are so many like-minded people, like, I've honestly found my tribe, I found my people playing pickleball. Not everyone, I'm not saying everybody that I go and play pickleball with I'm going to have a deep connection with that's just not possible. There are so many different people that I play with, but I think about our core group. I think about when Neil and I go and play together and we go and play with our core group of people. Those people are my people. Those people light me up. I feel nourished when I spend time with. My deep connections that I have with the people I play pickleball with and pickleball has allowed that to happen because, and I know I've mentioned this before in previous episodes, because you are suddenly. Forced into a fairly small space on a small pickleball court with your partner who you came with, and you now have to do this dance with, and you have to communicate with, and you have to communicate effectively with in order to do well. Or you've been forced onto this court, this small court, this small space with a partner who you've never met before, and all of a sudden you have to figure things out and in front of you, on the other side of the net are two more people and you can see into their eyes and you can see whether they're having fun, whether they're supporting you, whether they are. Out to get you whether they desperately want to win, and they'll take you down no matter what. but you are forced into this situation where you become vulnerable quicker than any other sport I've ever played quicker than any other activity I've ever played. And. The connection with myself becomes so raw and real and okay in my face. I have no option but to deal with what's coming up for me. I mean, I suppose I do have an option in a way because I could continue to push it down, but I think it comes up in such a real, hey, in your face way that it was a wake up call for me anyway. It was, uh, definitely, okay, something's happening here and I need to get to the bottom of this. Just going back to, I mentioned that series of events that got me to this place. So after the retreat, after this amazing, wonderful connection with people I know I am going to continue nurturing these relationships, these friendships with, and they're from all over the place. But isn't it funny how we connect as well? I have to tell you this quick story actually about the first connection I made there and how real and just so aligned I felt with this lovely lady called Angie. So it's the first morning and the hotel is divided into two sections and I find myself staying in the building that's. Further away from the main building, and it's up a very steep hill, and the first morning it's raining and we have to be at breakfast for eight o'clock. And because I'm helping out on this retreat, I want to be there on time. I actually want to be there early. So I wake up that morning plenty of time. I know there is a shuttle. It's a golf cart that takes you down the hill to the main building. I've got myself all ready. I love the way I'm looking. I'm excited. I'm ready to throw myself in. It's pouring with rain, so I know I'm definitely going to be taking this shuttle and not walking down the hill and ruining my hair and I decided to wear white runners for some reason. But anyway, I am not walking down the hill in my white runners with my hair done. So I'm waiting, waiting, waiting for the shuttle and it doesn't come. And then I see a phone on the wall and so I phone reception and say, Hey, I'm up the hill, please, could you send the shuttle? And she says, yes, yes, hang on, hang on. Anyway, long story short, I end up waiting 20 minutes and the shuttle has not arrived. And then this lovely lady, Angie comes walking over with a big smile on her face and we stand under the big umbrella together and we start talking and I'm like, oh, are you here for the Bloom retreat? She says, yes, I am. Are you? And. So that started the conversation. We found out that we are both nurses, we have both transitioned. We are both married, we have children, you know, so many similarities. Immediately I'm feeling this connection and I get a. Sense that she is as well. And so instead of me standing there thinking, oh my gosh, I'm late for breakfast. This is not good. I'm not in the right place, I'm not where I should be, I was exactly where I should be because I was there. Ready, open waiting to make this amazing connection with this new person who, and actually she lives in Canada. She lives on the East Coast. And I know we are going to remain friends and I hope at some point she's going to come on the podcast because I think I have excited her enough that she wants to go and play pickleball. So watch this space. Following this retreat, I then had a really long conversation on the phone with one of my other really good friends, and we were talking about the amazing connections and how. Authentic, it felt to us. And she is also a manifesting generator. And so we really connected on that level too. And we talked about how in our lives we have felt these sort of more superficial connections with people and how that really wasn't serving us and how moving forward we want to really make a conscious effort to stay connected with these amazing people with people that we feel aligned with, but in a very authentic way. And we were chatting about how we would do that. when we are all at a distance, when we can't just go and say, Hey, let's meet for coffee and sit down and have a chat. And what that looked like for us, which, is a great question and something I'm really putting a lot of thought into now as I move forward. And, we came up with this concept we were just throwing things back and forth, but we came up with this concept of, don't put me on your to-do list. Seriously, if you are one of my friends, don't put me on your to-do list. If you feel as though we haven't talked in a long time and you feel obligated to reach out to me. Check me off your to-do list as, oh, I connected with Charlotte. There we go. Move on next person. Please don't bother. Because I'm not looking for those kind of connections. I'm looking for real raw, vulnerable conversation we can have where we can both open up and share our hearts with each other. I'm not into the superficial stuff, so I'm letting you off the hook. If you want to come play pickleball with me, absolutely. I'm open to that anytime. And if you want to really sit down and have a great conversation with me, I am so up for that. And if we haven't spoken in a long time and you really feel. Energetically that you want to reach out to me and you really miss me, and I'm going to be doing this with friends of mine as well. Please do reach out because I know that those friendships, those true friendships. I have with people where I haven't perhaps spoken to them in a year or two years, or, whatever that looks like, we will just pick up where we left off. And I know that there are people that I did my nurse training with, we're in that position. where if you reach out to me or if I reach out to you, we are going to just pick up that conversation where we left off, and I love that. But if you feel like you are obligated to reach out to me and connect with me just to put that tick next to my name and say that you did it, please don't. It's okay. It's really okay. Please don't do that. As a manifesting generator, I move fast, but I crave realness. I'm not here for shallow conversations or performative friendships. I'm here to build bridges that last, and I believe you are too. So how can we cultivate those deep connections? How do we start creating more of what we crave? I really believe it starts with yourself. It started with me. Are you connected to you? Was I really connected to me? Are you being real with yourself about what you want and what you need? And stop saying yes to relationships that drain you, especially like me as a line four manifesting generator. Our energy is sacred. I actually believe all of our energies are sacred. It's magnetic when we are in the right space, but it gets blocked when we are forcing something. And practice presence. This is such a good lesson for me. Put the phone down, make eye contact, and ask the questions that matter. Actually that really that touched me, that caught in my throat as I said, that ask the questions that matter because are we really asking the questions of each other that matter? Are we really asking the questions of ourselves that matter? And lead with vulnerability. It is not a weakness, Charlotte. It is not a weakness. Vulnerability is my connection. Superpower. When we go first, we create space for others to meet us there. I am so learning this vulnerability is not a weakness. Oh my gosh. I start every morning with that mantra. One of the most healing things that Neil and I ever did was start playing pickleball together, not because we're good at it. We weren't, but because it gave us this space to reconnect, to communicate differently, to laugh and mess up and learn something new together, it reminded me that connection doesn't always have to be deep talks and tears. I love the closet conversations, but it doesn't always have to be those deep talks, and it doesn't always have to be tears. Sometimes it's just showing up, pickleball, paddle in hand, ready to play and figure it out as we go along as a team. On the pickleball court, you can tell when partners are in sync because I know when Neil and I are in sync, we move fluidly. We trust each other. We talk to each other as we are playing. I love that about pickleball. You can have conversations about, oh, what out for the, they're about to smash you. Watch out for that. Put it down the line, move with me, move back. you can have those conversations and you can also tell when there's tension or disconnect. The pickleball court does not lie, and honestly, it's the same in life because we feel it when we don't feel that connection with somebody else. Connection is something that we cultivate. We need to water our own garden. We need to water our own grass. That's where the grass is greener and it really takes intention and it starts with a choice, and that is to be real, even when it's awkward or vulnerable or new. So if you are a line 4 like me, or even if you're not into human design, that's okay. Let this be your reminder. Your need for real connection is not a weakness. It's actually your wisdom. It's your gift. So that's my heart for today. Real talk about real connection. That honestly touches my heart. It really does. I hope this lands somewhere soft inside you. If this episode spoke to you, I'd love to hear about it. Send me a DM or share it with someone else who needs this reminder that they deserve connection that goes beyond the surface. Until next time, keep showing up. Keep playing together, and keep choosing real. Here are a few questions for you to reflect on. Who are the people in your life that you can truly be yourself with? Where are you settling for surface? When your soul wants substance, how can you begin connecting more deeply with yourself, with others, and with your purpose? please share this episode with someone that you want to reconnect with. Have them listen Ask them to send you a message the moment that they feel deeply seen or heard.

Speaker: 34:10

Thanks so much for listening today. I hope you enjoyed that conversation as much as I did. Anything mentioned, including links, notes, and a full episode list, will be over on our website at pickleballandpartnership. buzzsprout. com. Com. If you got something outta this episode, be sure to follow or subscribe to Pickleball and Partnership on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen so that you are notified of new and upcoming episodes. And if you're finding value in this podcast, a free way to support us is to leave a five. It truly means the world to us. This will help more people access these real conversations. And if you haven't connected with myself or Neil personally, we would love to meet you and say hi over on our Facebook page. Thanks again for listening. Please tune in next week for another exciting episode of Pickleball and partnership. Remember, we're all learning, growing, and showing up in our own ways. And that's what matters most.